I started the year knowing that my best friend in the world was terminally ill, so New Year celebrations were a bit muted to say the least. In January I visited her in the hospice where we had lots of laughs, lots of tears and lots of hand holding. I hated leaving her. At the end of January, the girlies and I visited a snowy Little Easton to spend Mel's birthday with her, her parents & Jacqueline. We shared memories, champagne, cake and laughs. Even Mel had a glass of champers, as she said, it wouldn't do her any harm now.
Stella, Mel's Mum Joyce, Karen, Carole, Me and Mel wearing the daft hat I bought her!
On 2nd February she passed away with Peter and her parents by her side. The world shifted a little that night and things would never be the same again. Her funeral was held a month later. Mel had left strict instructions of exactly how she wanted her funeral to be and it took a month for everything to come together. It was an incredibly sad day.
A few months later I was told my pre-dialysis days were over and now I was to start dialysis. Its been a scary and worrying time. and I don't know how I'd have coped without Hari's support, he's done everything for me and taken a lot of miserable moods from me on the chin. Although I've been going to the training unit in Altrincham 3 times a week since August I've still not been able to do my own needles yet, although on the positive side, I am now able to line the machine, put it into test and preparation, set my table up with sterile bits & pieces to go onto the machine. Once needles are in and flows are good I am able (with supervision) to connect everything up and get treatment started. I then log all my machine readings, know when my hot flush is coming and keep an eye on my needle pressures. After 4 hours I know how to set my table up to come off the machine and again with supervision, how to stop & disconnect everything in the correct order, take my needles out and put my dresssings on then again do my obs. So apart from the needles being put in, I'm getting there and thinking how terrified I was back in August, I think I'm doing well. The nurses says I am, but they have to....
The only other negativity this year has been the growing distance between me and my family. Not physical distance, I only live 52.7 miles away from them, but y'know 'distance'. I had hoped when I moved to Manchester I would see loads more of them. When I lived down south I saw them more than I do now. Back then I used to travel home for every family celebration and occasion and loved doing it. Births (there were a lot of them!), birthdays, weddings, parties, everything - I was there. The distance I've lived from them has never been an issue to me, I have a car so I travel, its that simple. When my Dad got ill, I'd just met my now husband and he wanted me to move up to be with him. Knowing Dad was ill and wanting to be with my family, it was a no brainer so I moved.
Now I'm know these things work both ways, and maybe I should visit them too, and I should. I made a pledge with myself last year to visit more, then with losing Mel and the coming of dialysis, life has over taken me a bit. Its taken me a huge chunk of this year to regain control of my life after it spiralled away from me. Again, on the positive side I do get up at least once a month to see my Mum, which I wish could be more but it cant cos of work and dialysis committments. I'm hoping Mum might come and stay here this coming year.
I look at friends of mine and their relationships with their brothers and sisters and most of them are separated by distances, and most a lot bigger than between Manchester/Blackpool and everyone travels to visit, everyone loves seeing their siblings, nephews & nieces, and I get jealous and sad about mine. I don't know why there is this huge gap, I sadly didn't have children and they all did, I moved away from home and they all stayed put. But to me both of these things are just life, surely?
I have a huge family and when I was younger I used to think that you could never be lonely in such a huge family but I've discovered you can be, very lonely indeed. I see posts all the time on facebook which just show me just how far away I am from them and it makes me really sad. I miss being included and I really miss spending Christmas's at home.
It is what it is though I guess but I am going to try and do more next year, health willing.
It is what it is though I guess but I am going to try and do more next year, health willing.
There have been many positives this year though. The main one being that I went back to work in July after 6 years. I love my job. I'm just an admin at a health care company but I love seeing people every day, feeling like I matter, doing things to help people. It is tiring and with dialysis 2 of those working days, I am pretty knackered but I love it.
Hari also got a new job, leaving the crap job with M & S (or Marks & Scuffs/Misery & Suffering as he called it) and working for a local school where he is valued.
With a new job comes a better situation financially, and at last we can buy such luxuries as new clothes, shoes and nicer food.... I love nice food.
I've also managed to spend a bit of time with my girlies. Karen has been up to Manchester, and we've been down to Essex a couple of times. It's obviously hugely different now Mel isn't there but she's all around us all when we're in the places we all used to go. Its still lovely as always to see Stella, Carole & sometimes Karen when she's over from Ireland.
So as 2015 leaves us I am happy to see it go, I shall wave it off getting ready to close the door in its face and hoping it doesn't visit again. In 2016 I hope to see more of my family, to continue loving my job and to remember Mel constantly, fondly and with more smiles and less tears. I also hope that Hari and I might be able to get a holiday in, I think somewhere hot is out of the question cos of dialysis restrictions but a lil cottage by the sea somewhere might be nice. I hope to cry less tears in 2016 (I could have drowned in the amount I cried this year)
But my big hope is for a kidney transplant, although its majorly major surgery but the conclusion to my current health worries. So fingers crossed.
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