I'm a bit down tonight. Do you get down too?

A day with only my own company (so whats new?), a 'Tonight' programme about 11 million Brits feeling like the latest benefit cuts by our wanker-ish government are leaving them worse off and seemingly endless knee pain tonight have made me somewhat fed-up.

I've just made myself hot dogs and fried onions for my tea, washed down with a bottle of cider that's been sitting in the kitchen for months, bought for a pork casserole but never used, and usually that's the kind of tea I love.  It seems a bit decadent, frivolous and takes no preparation what-so-ever but still I am feeling melancholy and well, just fed-up really.

I know I've said it before but I am going to say it again.  I am soooo tired of my own company.  I wish the girls were just down the road.  I wish the phone would ring and Mel would say she was popping in on her way home from work.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But wishing does no good I guess.  You have to DO something about stuff.  I keep telling myself my knee op will be done soon and I can get out and about again but that in itself fills me with absolute dread.  I'm scared I won't be able to be the person I used to be.  But maybe thats the point?  Maybe I need to find a new job description for this Gill, something Chorlton-ish, something typically me, but again, what if I can't?  Every time I answer a question for myself, a hundred new ones crop up.  I fell lopsided, like I've got an angel on one shoulder telling me everything will be ok and 20 devils on the opposite shoulder saying "yeah but what if that goes wrong? what is that doesn't work? what if you're not capable?"  It makes me panic beyond belief, but maybe its all to stop me worrying about the knee op itself.

I cannot wait for the op.  I cannot wait to be in pain but see a scar so know why I am in pain instead of this constant, nagging, aching knee.  Its like a separate bit of me which spoils every day as much as it can.  In a weeks time I will be packing my bag to go off to MRI and wake up with a titanium joint, I'll be a bionic woman (as one of my lovely friends said).  This will be my 22nd operation, well 'procedure' as some have been quite basic and some have been quite nasty.  I'm quite proud of that record.

Well, thanks for letting me vent, its helped.  Now for a bit more boredom before bedtime.

Where have I gone?

This week has been a really tricky one emotionally.

Last week, one of my girlies was up here on business so came to stay for a couple of nights.  I absolutely adore my small circle of girl friends, 4 of them in all.  When I met Hari I made the decision to leave them all behind in Essex and move to Manchester to be with him.  I miss them so much it's silly really and sometimes wish I could go back.  Even thought all of our lives have changed a lot since those halcyon days of Duton Hill and that village community we all met in, our friendship is so strong I feel that we could all just pick up where we left off.

Since Karen went home I've been suffering a bit of a crisis of confidence.  It happens every now and again, usually co-inciding with that 'time of the month', but not this time.  I'm so tired of feeling, well tired really.  I do nothing, I contribute nothing to society & society is disliking more and more people like me due to our politically biased press and crap government policies.

It's all to do with my knee problems really.  I can't do anything about my spina bifida and it has always been there and I've always managed, but the knee.  The knee is stopping me being ME.  I can't get about, I have to ask for help and anyone who knows me will tell you that if I need help I will ask but I would much rather manage myself.  I'm only 45 and I am sooo not ready to give in to disability and being cared for yet, it has to come in the future but not yet, I'm not having it.

I know that once the knee is sorted then I will be sorted.  But it keeps crossing my mind that what if things aren't any better?  I've been spending so much time alone at home that I'm worried that once I can go out again under my own steam, will I?  I'm scared that I may have become a bit timid in my outlook.  I want to get a worthwhile job, one I can do to the best of my ability and one that fulfills me but what if I can't?  I've been out of employment now for over 3 years and although I have my volunteer work, and my day to day almost constant computer use, will I be able to just fit into a job again?  Will the people who I will work along side also be the kind who think disabled people are worthless scroungers?  I'm tired of having to justify myself all the time.

I think this has all come about because I have had too much time with my own company and waaay too much time to sit and think, think and think, worry and worry more.  Sunday I had a proper meltdown and just had to go to bed and cry for a bit.  Hari said he understood, and I musn't do a 'Richard Todd' (stiff upper lip) stuff all the time.  But I don't like to whinge and cry, I like to get on with it.  Whinging and crying really doesn't get you anywhere (although I always feel better after a good cry!)
I'm aware it's tough for Hari too.  He's my only company, it's up to him to keep me company as well as working, doing his voluntary job and trying to keep his yoga classes up and sometimes I am sure I annoy the hell out of him.  He rarely gets a day or even a couple of hours in this house without me being here, where as I get to spend an awful lot of time without him.  I started thinking maybe he seems more like a carer, than a lover or husband.  Hari has always been my lover first, my husband second and my support third.  It's important he remains so because when that order reverses then its not a marriage; not to me.  We're not at the stage where he helps me wash or dress yet but if it wasn't for him I would be lost, both physically and emotionally.  I do love him.
You wouldn't think I had 3 sisters, 12 nephews and nieces and 7 great nephews and nieces and be this lonely, would you but thems are the breaks, this is a fact which makes me very sad but sadly doesn't surprise me.

One of the other things that seems to be laying heavy on my mind is the my impending knee op itself.  I've had 20+ operations throughout my life but the last one was in 2000, again on my right knee and I think I was quite a bit more confident back then than I am now.  Anesthetic is dodgy with everyone, even healthy people but I am quite scared I won't come through it this time.  I wrote my will yesterday (not that I have anything of value to leave) and I wrote a letter to Hari too, just so he knows how to tie loose ends up as I'm the organiser.  It was quite cathartic to write them but I began to think what if I only have just under 3 weeks left?  I must try and get to see my Mum before I go in.

Its come! Its come!

It's come!  It's come!  Well, finally I have a hospital date for my new knee!  Woohooo!

I suppose in the grand scheme of things I haven't waited that long at all really but as I started having serious jip with it last July-time and the pain and discomfort having become far worse since October-ish, I really am ready for a bit of pain free time.

The letter arrived last week and the date is April 3rd (fingers crossed it doesn't get cancelled/pushed-back).

I haven't been in to hospital for surgery since 2000 when again it was my right knee.  I had to have my acruciate ligament repaired at Harlow Hospital.  I remember being scared of day surgery and worried I'd be sitting there all day and be the last on the list.  Imagine my surprise when I was called first!  I was even more surprised when I came round after the op to find my nursey friend Stella calling my name as she brought me out of the sleepy post-op haze, scaring me to death in the process as I'd never seen her in her nurse get-up!  It seems sometimes it really is not what you know but who you know!
I don't think I'll be that lucky this time.

I've to be at the unit at MRI (that's Manchester Royal Infirmary) for 7am on the day having not had anything to eat or drink since 2am the same morning and just wait til I'm called.  So, trepidation, worry and thoughts have now started to creep in.  Anesthetic is dodgy at the best of times on healthy people so with my kidney, heart and various other problems I admit I am more than a little worried I won't come round but it's probably best not to dwell on that so I am concentrating on getting some independent mobility back and being able to get back to doing things.

So, for now I have a little light reading....