I'm a bit down tonight. Do you get down too?

A day with only my own company (so whats new?), a 'Tonight' programme about 11 million Brits feeling like the latest benefit cuts by our wanker-ish government are leaving them worse off and seemingly endless knee pain tonight have made me somewhat fed-up.

I've just made myself hot dogs and fried onions for my tea, washed down with a bottle of cider that's been sitting in the kitchen for months, bought for a pork casserole but never used, and usually that's the kind of tea I love.  It seems a bit decadent, frivolous and takes no preparation what-so-ever but still I am feeling melancholy and well, just fed-up really.

I know I've said it before but I am going to say it again.  I am soooo tired of my own company.  I wish the girls were just down the road.  I wish the phone would ring and Mel would say she was popping in on her way home from work.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But wishing does no good I guess.  You have to DO something about stuff.  I keep telling myself my knee op will be done soon and I can get out and about again but that in itself fills me with absolute dread.  I'm scared I won't be able to be the person I used to be.  But maybe thats the point?  Maybe I need to find a new job description for this Gill, something Chorlton-ish, something typically me, but again, what if I can't?  Every time I answer a question for myself, a hundred new ones crop up.  I fell lopsided, like I've got an angel on one shoulder telling me everything will be ok and 20 devils on the opposite shoulder saying "yeah but what if that goes wrong? what is that doesn't work? what if you're not capable?"  It makes me panic beyond belief, but maybe its all to stop me worrying about the knee op itself.

I cannot wait for the op.  I cannot wait to be in pain but see a scar so know why I am in pain instead of this constant, nagging, aching knee.  Its like a separate bit of me which spoils every day as much as it can.  In a weeks time I will be packing my bag to go off to MRI and wake up with a titanium joint, I'll be a bionic woman (as one of my lovely friends said).  This will be my 22nd operation, well 'procedure' as some have been quite basic and some have been quite nasty.  I'm quite proud of that record.

Well, thanks for letting me vent, its helped.  Now for a bit more boredom before bedtime.